Editor’s note: The following column is a work of satire. Its purpose is to entertain and provide a humorous perspective on the topic. The views expressed are fictional and not intended to reflect real events or opinions or the actual views of The Talon. Ben wrote this article in his Honors Advanced Journalism course last quarter.
In light of the proposed education budget cuts, ideas have been flying about on managing the school system with less money. Proposals have ranged from cutting dozens of faculty jobs to charging parents for kindergarten again.
But these ideas all fall into the same trap; they are based on the assumption that we must resign ourselves to a lower budget.
But Ben, you might say, we can’t tax the hardworking citizens of our town any more than we already do! We already have a high tax burden!
Well, dear reader, that’s simply not my plan.
The problem is simple. Sharon doesn’t have enough money.
The solution is even simpler.
To preserve our traditional way of life – our high education budget – Sharon MUST exercise our full might and annex our neighbor, Canton.
Some may argue that this idea, while brilliant in its simplicity and genius in its unconventionality, is “completely impractical,” “stupid,” and “one of the dumbest things you’ve said today” – and that’s just from my sister.
But if you think about it, Sharon is uniquely prepared for such a noble undertaking.
While some look at our large community of retirees as sweet little old ladies and wizened gentlemen, I see them as potential recruits with nothing left to lose.
While some may see our sports teams as “bad,” that just gives them greater motivation to prove themselves on the field of battle.
Clearly, our infantry problem is solved.
Some may criticize our communications infrastructure, but Sharon What’s Up should be able to handle the rigors of a modern military campaign. If our local Facebook groups can circulate a rumor about low-income housing around the town in under 15 minutes, they can surely deliver orders in a timely fashion to our troops in the field.
“But in order to launch a modern military campaign,” naysayers may shriek, “you need a cavalry! You need a mechanized division!”
But if my detractors just thought outside the box, they would see that we already have both of those.
Close your eyes and picture this scene in your mind’s eye. The citizenry of Canton stand behind hastily arranged barricades, fully prepared to meet the human wave of elders and athletes. Then, a scout rushes in, panting, and urgently delivers his message to the ersatz militia commander. The Cantonians begin to shiver in their boots. The infamous Crescent Ridge Cattle Cavalry is on the march, and the dolorous bovines are grazing for blood.
Then another scout dashes in, also breathless, and announces to the citizens of Canton that the Lexus Legion is on its way. Obviously, panic ensues. The legends of the Lexus Legion are told far and wide. All who have stood against them have perished, from the bravest of chipmunks to the heartiest of deer. They wear their inordinately high insurance premiums upon their chests as a mark of pride, and all the dents in their cars are signs of their valor.
Yet another scout runs in. “Alas and alack,” he cries. “The Prius Platoon is only 2 miles away!”
The Cantonian defenders disperse in panic, and Sharon’s forces enter the town, their victory completely unopposed.
Despite Sharon’s obvious military superiority, some may still have reservations – particularly my sister. “But Ben,” my detractors whine in protest, “we can’t just annex other towns when we feel like it! It isn’t right!”
Those who feel that way are probably dirty, rotten traitors, and I will publish a full list of their names, addresses, and phone numbers in a future article. Do what you will with that information, patriots.
Others might be concerned with the economic aftermath of my brilliant military operation. They might claim that “now we have to support even more families in our schools! You’ve just added to our burden!”
This claim is illogical and sounds like something a Canton sympathizer would say. We wouldn’t need to educate the Cantonian children! They can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Instead, we would demand tribute. That way, we wouldn’t need to spend our hard-earned money on Cantonian parasites.
Some more of my detractors might argue about the “legality” of Operation This Land Is My Land. What they fail to account for is that I don’t care. Take a chill pill, nerds. I bet you wouldn’t jump off a bridge even if all of your friends did it, dorks.
People of the town of Sharon, unite! We have nothing to lose but our chains (and the rest of our state funding)!
