Student Question: What is the optimal time to get to school in the morning to avoid traffic?

Abby’s Answer: There are two types of traffic. There’s 7:54 traffic, when the biggest wave of cars and buses comes in. Then there’s 8:04 traffic. At 8:04, the juniors are panicking. The parents are impatient. The seniors… well, they don’t really care, but they’re taking up most of Pond Street anyway. 8:04 is the absolute worst time to get to school (and I’m sure your teachers would agree). The optimal time is about 7:40, when the seniors are just getting out of bed.

Q: Your advice columns are so fun to read through, and I cannot help but wonder why they are so few in number. What restricts your frequency of output?

A: Indeed, there are many who admire my endless wit. Yet it comes at a cost. One person can only be so funny; to produce such masterpieces as these on a monthly basis exhausts my reserves of humor such that, in real life, I have become an impressively unamusing person. I make this sacrifice gladly for you, dear reader, but I shudder to think how boring I would become if I were to increase the frequency of this publication.

I hope this answer is satisfactory.

Q: Abby, can you help me with the Schumann Fantasiestucke? I’m really scared for my district audition.

A: The shoe man what? Are you stuck somewhere? I’m not sure how to help you with this.

Q: How do I walk up to a group of people and join their conversation without looking like a weirdo?

A: Today is a great day for this! You can ask someone what their costume is, or compliment them on it. They’ll probably say something about yours, and the conversation will flow naturally from there. For some reason, socializing is much easier when you’re wearing a giant inflatable T-rex suit.

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