Student Question: Is it bad if I ingested the weird brown water that has been in the school? I accidentally filled up my water bottle with it! Help!
Abby’s Answer: Actually, studies show that Weird Brown Water™ is excellent for your physical and mental health, improves your grades, and grants lifelong immunity to senioritis.*
(Seriously, though, you’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure most students here have had at least a bit of it, and I don’t see any class-action lawsuits popping up.)
*Results may vary.
Q: I feel like this school year has gone by way too fast! How can I make the final months seem a bit longer?
A: Not sure why you would want to do that, but have you tried having less fun, or inducing sleep deprivation? I find the hours pass much more slowly after an all-nighter. As a bonus, this might make you fail one or more of your classes, and then you’ll get to come back to your beloved SHS over the summer. That way, high school never has to end!
Q: How do I actually get a date for prom?
A: Well, it’s easier said than done, but you just have to ask. No need for an elaborate promposal or a big speech—if someone wants to go with you, they’ll say yes anyway, and if they don’t, these things aren’t going to change their mind. Asking in person is best, but if you can’t work up the courage, there’s no shame in sending a text or asking through a friend. Good luck!
Q: What are the best ethical campaigning techniques to win class elections?
A: I appreciate that, in a world rife with corruption, you are determined to uphold your principles. The key to class elections is definitely visibility: greeting people in the hallway, making eye-catching signs and posters, and spreading the word on social media. If people don’t know you’re running, they won’t vote for you, and they may not vote at all. Also: candy bribes? Neither ethical nor effective. Hand out something more memorable, like business cards, flyers, or stickers. If you just hand someone a lollipop, they’re going to remember what flavor it was, not which candidate gave it to them.
Q: What if instead of 3 questions per column, you answer 5?
A: Boom. Don’t get used to it, though. This quantity of wisdom just isn’t sustainable in the long run.
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